Monday, June 24, 2013

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters - a Watch Along

What happens when two friends are avoiding what they should be doing in favor of bad movies?  They end up watching Hansel and Gretel together.  This is a true story.  Only the names have been changed to protect the...guilty.

Michaela: Dude, MTV made this movie? Mystery solved.

Fuquerie: LOL Gary Sanchez has some issues, I think
Michaela: Could these kids LOOK any derpier?
Fuquerie: I like their fancy little beds in this crappy cabin.
Michaela: Yeah, with the tapestries hanging as wall dividers. And these are poor people?
(Kids are dumped in the forest by presumably their father.)
“Welp, sitting in one spot has gotten old. Let’s go exploring against the express commands of that weird dude who left us here!”
Fuquerie: Who the hell grabs a chunk off a house and decides to eat it?
Michaela: And it OOZED! EW! Mm…oozy house. My favorite! Okay, so wait. She…sticks the kid in the cage where she can’t reach him and then tries to force him to eat?
“MORE WOOD.” Man, if I had a nickel.
Fuquerie: If the witch really wanted them to get fat, she’d be
giving them lots of fats too. (Witch dies horribly) I don’t remember the fairy tale being this stabby.
Michaela: Yeah, and how does she expect them to get fat in the next five minutes? Doesn’t it usually take a tad longer than that?
OMG this is AWESOME.
(Opening credits)
Oh Hawkeye. How the mighty have fallen.
Fuquerie: What the hell? They didn’t have newspapers back in ye olde fairy tale forests.
Michaela: And what happened to their parents, anyway??
Fuquerie: I bet it has something to do with witches.
Michaela: Produced by Will Ferrell. THERE YA GO, FOLKS.
Fuquerie: Ye olde milk carton missing children notices
(Scene of a girl being accused of witchcraft)
Michaela: Of course she’s a witch, she’s a ginger!
Fuquerie: Man, gingers get all the worst luck.
Michaela: I’m not sure how she’s expected to float or sink in a BARREL.
Whoa, Gemma Arterton got badass!
Fuquerie: I wonder what the German word for hillbillies is?
Michaela: Also, I don’t care how hot Renner is, he’s not digging his fingers around my mouth.
Fuquerie: Especially without washing them first.
Michaela: I will admit that his coat is pretty rockin’.
(Gemma Arterton headbutts the douchey sheriff.)
Fuquerie: Okay, I love Gretel now.
Michaela: I’ve always wanted to headbutt Peter Stormare.
(Apprehending a witch)
Dude, shoot FIRST, Gretel. Do they not teach you anything in witch-hunting school? … Apparently parkour skills are required for running through the forest. Who knew?
Fuquerie: I hope she doesn’t turn into a damsel in distress.
(Hansel injects himself with something)
Michaela: Wait, Hansel’s a junkie?
Fuquerie: Her boobs change size when her face isn’t in the shot. Stunt boobs?
Michaela: Nice catch! I missed that.
Fuquerie: By the way, the German word for hillybilly is Hinterwäldler
Michaela: They (the bounty hunters) clearly all go to the same Ye Old Hairdressere.
Hinterwaldler, huh? Well, I’ve got the name for my next villain!
Fuquerie: Ye Olde Supercuts specializes in grease and dirt
Michaela: Hey look, it’s Mama Vamp! (Famke Janssen)
Fuquerie: Let me guess, she’s a witch.
Michaela: NO!
Fuquerie: I don’t know what tipped me off.
Michaela: Typecasting, anyone?
Fuquerie: Wait, if witches can make themselves look normal, then how do we know the ginger ISN’T a witch?
(Cut to Hansel and Gretel in a bar, being approached by a young lad)
Ye Olde Fanboyes
Michaela: ROFL Can’t…breathe…
Fuquerie: I bet there’s a Hansel and Gretel convention too. Little unwashed nerds show up and sketch the panels.
I’d pay to see a cross over with this and Wizard of Oz, just to watch them confront Glinda.
Michaela: Tip #1 for witches: MOISTURIZE, MORONS.
Fuquerie: Dear god, yes. Even zombies are skeeved out
Michaela: Why is Hansel sleeping on the floor? UNDER the bed?
Fuquerie: Because he’s not creepy enough, apparently. Sorry, I mean mysterious and damaged.
Michaela: And now it’s booty call tyme.
Fuquerie: I’m going to say the ginger lady actually is a witch. She’s far too clean and colorful.
Michaela: Yeah, and she looked too wounded at the “Good witch/dead witch” comment.
(Hansel injects himself with something again.)
Fuquerie: HA! He’s diabetic
(As they lay a trap in the forest)
Fuquerie: That’s a really dumb witch.
Michaela: But…athletic, apparently.
Fuquerie: What good is a magic stick if you just get clotheslined?
Michaela: I need her stylist.
(Hansel is dragged behind the broomstick)
Oh, like the boulder to the head wouldn’t have killed him instantly. And…pose to look awesome…
Fuquerie: A taser? A TASER!?
Michaela: A…TASER. Your argument is invalid.
Fuquerie: So I guess short haired witch just couldn’t get her stick up
Michaela: It happens. Ye Olde Viagra hasn’t come along yet.
Fuquerie: If it wasn’t for the skin rot, being a witch looks pretty awesome. Flying, throwing fireballs, laser wands…
Michaela: Braining kids with their own guns…
Fuquerie: I don’t understand why the sheriff is preventing them from saving a girl when others have already been abducted.
Michaela: Sheriff is basically a dick. There to BE a dick.
Fuquerie: How stupid is that kid? Just remove the damn bone from the lock!
(Hansel brains a witch with a milk bottle)
Michaela: Milk does a body good!
Fuquerie: Another benefit of being a witch: instant kung fu abilities
Michaela: Oh come on, my SIX YEAR OLD could reload faster than that.
Fuquerie: Yet another benefit: Awesome outfits
(Gretel wakes up in bed)
Michaela: Uh oh, creepy fanboye is copping a feel. BREAK HIS FINGERS.

“Covered in filth.” Riiiight.
Fuquerie: At least fanboye has a great story to tell at the convention
Michaela: “I…actually…got to TOUCH ONE OF HER BOOBS! It was EPIC, MAN!”
(Redhead finds Hansel upside down hanging from a tree branch)
Fuquerie: Do I look all right, woman?
Michaela: He’s hanging upside down in a tree, does he LOOK ALL RIGHT??
Fuquerie: So if he has to inject himself every few hours, how is he still alive?
(Gretel wandering through the forest calling for Hansel)
Hansel’s busy, Gretel. No cockblocking.
(Redhead takes Hansel to a waterfall/pool)
Fuquerie: She’s cleaning him. WITCH!
Michaela: YES. GET NAKED.
Fuquerie: Soap is of the devil!
Michaela: Holy crap, nice ass! “Healing waters”. ~snicker~
Fuquerie: Yeah, “healing waters.” Nice pick up line, there. What it’s healing is the blueness from his balls
(Cut to a troll)
Michaela: Ew…troll eating raw pig. There goes my lady boner.
(Gretel is beset by thugs)
Fuquerie: What the hell? She can take on witches, but not three random guys?
Michaela: So…Hansel’s gettin’ him some while Gretel gets her ass kicked. That works. DID SHE JUST BITE HIS NOSE OFF?
Oh good, it’s still there.
Troll disapproves of violence against women.
Fuquerie: Oooo, I think the troll has a little crush
Michaela: Maybe Gretel will be gettin’ her some after all!
Ew, I just grossed myself out.
Fuquerie: Dayum, that was some head crunching goopiness
Michaela: This movie is the best cure for the blues EVAR.
Fuquerie: Ewwww, white cave goop
Michaela: Nobody understands poor troll. D’aww….
“So. Come here often?”
Fuquerie: …Edward. Edward? EDWARD?
Michaela: EDWARD. The troll’s name is EDWARD. OMFG.
Fuquerie: If it was Larry, I would have died
Michaela: I am CRYING.
(Hansel and Gretel find each other)
Fuquerie: Good lord, talk about overreacting.
Michaela: Apparently you can’t hunt witches without fingerless gloves.
Fuquerie: It makes sense if you’re an archer. Not so much with a shotgun.
(Hansel gripes that Gretel landed on him)
Michaela: Oh please, she weighs what, a buck ten? I’ve seen hay bales that weighed more than her. Quitcher bitchin’, Hansel.
Fuquerie: So I’m guessing they’re really witches from a family of witches and it turns out that good witches exist and they just never knew.
Michaela: Ooh, if you’re right, that would explain her dreams and why their magic doesn’t work on ‘em.
Fuquerie: And why Edward said he served witches.
Michaela: Yup, you called it. Nice one!
Oh Renner, feel free to stare broodingly at the camera as long as you like.
Plot? What?
(Flashback to when they were dumped)
Michaela: Dude, why not hide them in the witch’s lair under the floorboards? Instead of abandoning them, defenseless, in the forest?
(Roasting witch, roaring bonfire) 

Fuquerie: Because that would make sense?
Brood brood brood brood
Michaela: Mm…I forgot what I was saying. Can we go back to Renner being nekkid?
Fuquerie: The greatest sabbath of all! Ozzy?
(Hansel gets stabbed)
Michaela: Nooooo not the Renner! Oh yay, booty call chick is back! Calling it - she fixed the diabeetus too.
(Cut to them readying for battle) FANBOYES FOR LYFE.
Fuquerie: Oh come on…now he has a time machine
Michaela: “Don’t touch the gun.” ~snicker~
Fuquerie: If they don’t have a time machine, where did the machine gun come from?
On my list of things I never want to see: Troll boners.
Fuquerie: I kind of like the short haired witch’s look. Even if she is a bit derpy
Michaela: I’m telling you, I want her stylist.
Was that seriously an expandable shotgun?
Fuquerie: Sigh…
Some of those witches have gout, I see
Michaela: And NONE of ‘em moisturize. Dayum.
Fuquerie: This is my boomstick!
Michaela: There are many like it but THIS ONE IS MINE!
Derpy witch is about to bite it.
Aw, Edward to the rescue!
If he starts sparkling I’m calling such bullshit.
Toldja Derpy was gonna bite it.
(Scene of witches joined at the shoulder blades)
What is this, Chernobyl witches?
Man, Gretel and her head-butting.
Fuquerie: A double crossbow? Really?
Fuquerie: Damn, I kind of liked surfing witch.
Fuquerie: What the fuck was that magic bullet?
Michaela: Glad to see we’re on the same page there.
(Gretel discovers the troll, dying)
Noooo Edward don’t leave me!
Fuquerie: What?
Michaela: CLEAR!!
(Gretel revives the troll with the taser)
Fuquerie: Wat?
Michaela: CRYING.
Fuquerie: I’m so looking up the IMDB trivia now. “In an interview with Famke Janssen at Cannes 2011, she stated that she took her role as the head witch because she had to pay off her mortgage. ”
Michaela: Dude, if I was a troll and some chick tasered me back to life, I’d rip her head off.

NO WAY. Seriously?

Fuquerie: Poor fanboye! He never even got to touch nipple!
Michaela: Oh Famke. Did it hurt to say such terrible lines?
Fuquerie: “In the movie, Hansel is diabetic as a result of his experience in the gingerbread house as a child. In the original script, Gretel was also supposed to have an eating disorder as a result of her childhood trauma, but it was cut from the final version. ”
Michaela: Aw, buh-bye booty call ginger. Now Renner will get to brood some more. YAY!
Oh come on, an eating disorder would have made this movie so much more awesome!!
That’s it, Renner, BROOD FOR ME.
Fuquerie: Few people know that witches are the number one cause of childhood diabetes.
Michaela: Educational (1).
Fuquerie: If she took this to pay off her mortgage, how does she explain Hemlock Grove?
Michaela: She’s addicted to cheese. Only explanation.
Fuquerie: Was fanboye wearing ye olde kevlar?
Michaela: He looked like he was going to ralph all over Gretel.

“You know the truth” - that this is a horrible movie?
Oh come on, fanboye gets to join the club??
Fuquerie: Ack! Don’t point the shotgun at fanboy!

Oh come on, machine gun pistols?
Michaela: Because why the hell not at this point.
Fuquerie: They leave out the eating disorder, but not the magic bullet with no explanation. Because of course
Michaela: The eating disorder would have made it so much better! And I notice the diabeetus never even came up again. Came up. ~snicker~
Sorry. ~hanging head in shame~

(Credits roll) 

Monday, February 25, 2013

The Walking Dead

Oh Daryl, how do I love thee? Never ever change, you unwashed, stringy haired, magnificent bastard. You're allowed to take a bath occasionally though.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Movie watch-along: Battleship

I don't usually do movie reviews, but this one was just too much fun to resist.  HBO aired Battleship on its website, so of course I had to watch it.  Warning: here be spoilers.

Taylor Kitsch (whose name I've always found wonderfully appropriate to his acting) plays a chronic screwup whose older brother finally basically forces him to join the Navy.  Because of course at twenty-six years old, you're still obligated to do everything that your older siblings say.  But hey, leaving that aside, we're brought to present day, where screwup kid is now a...Weapons Master?  On some ship or other.  But he's still a screwup, still playing at being an adult, and of course he's in love with the Lieutenant Commander's daughter.  Because why wouldn't he be.

There's the usual shots of beautiful Hawaii.  The whole world's navies have gathered for something called RIMPAC exercises, like war games.  I keep wanting to call them RIMSHOT exercises.

Out in the water, our Hero (named...Hopper, for some reason) has been informed that due to his hijinks, once the rimshot exercises are over, he's going to be kicked out of the Navy.  So of course we know that whatever's going to happen will happen before he gets home, because God forbid he lose his job for being a perpetual loser who refuses to straighten out.

There are several scenes of big brother reaming idiot brother out for being such a loser.  This pretty much guarantees that big brother is going to bite it, thus giving Our Hero the motivation to kick alien ass.  Also, the "bite it" reference made me laugh because I just realized that big brother is Alex Skarsgaard, aka Erik on True Blood.

Oh hey, alien attack!  Lots of flaming debris and people screaming and dying!  These giant alien warships are now...hovering...on top of the waves.  Because reasons.  And now it's hopping across the water.  Because that's much more efficient than, I dunno...sailing?  This feels more like "hey, we've got CGI and we know how to use it".

And there goes his brother.  Complete with soulful look across the waves at Our Hero right before the ship goes blooey.

The one interesting thing so far is that the aliens are taking out technology and not humans unless directly attacked by said humans.  So is this going to be a morality tale on how technology is Bad and we should all return to Nature?

Requisite "They killed my brother!" line, complete with extra pathos: check.

Next plot point achieved - gorgeous blond girlfriend is hiking in the mountains with a double amputee (she's a physical therapist, try and keep up).  Lots of explosions.  "Hey, let's go get a look at the aliens!" AS YOU WOULD.

Sidenote: Rihanna can't act.  At all.

Giant razorballs!  Bounding through Honolulu and taking out bridges, overpasses, and the occasional Marine helicopter!  But of course it stops right before it kills a kid in the middle of a Little League game.  On another sidenote, how come kids never die in these type of films?  If you really want us to hate the aliens, have 'em smoke a coupla kids!  Do I have to do your jobs for you??

There's some hushed and intense talk between Our Hero and a Japanese commander, something about buoys and how they can use them to target and fight the enemy.  I didn't really follow it because there were no explosions accompanying, so I nodded off for a few minutes.

Cut to several jeeps having been blown up.  Add in a shot of a few wild horses peacefully munching the plant life twenty feet away.  Because in my nearly twenty years of owning horses, my experience is definitely that horses are completely unfazed by loud explosions and huge fires.  (Dammit, we are in desperate need of a sarcasm font.)  Note to film-makers: Horses are prey animals.  This means that when things go splodey, they're gonna run faster than cheese through a H'san.  FACT.

Oh hey, the aliens are susceptible to bright sunlight!  So let's SHOOT OUT THEIR WINDOWS and call it a day.  Nice job, second alien ship shot to pieces due to a little good ol' American ingenuity.  Although the Japanese guy did most of it.

More razorballs, this time shredding the ship.  Of course Our Intrepid Hero of the High Cheekbones survives by jumping off a fifty foot height into the water.

Girlfriend and amputee on the mountain see his ship go down.  More pathos.  And some scenes of the survivors in the water, dramatic speech by the Cheekbones.

Oh look, we're going the whole "newfangled technology is Bad, the old ways were better" route.  Let's use the seventy year old battleship and a bunch of old men to fight the big bad aliens.  Shit, Cheekbones is talking again.  Shut up and look pretty, would you?

(By the way, the whole "Old technology is better than new" was done WAY better by Battlestar Galactica, if you want to see it done right.  Thank me later.)

Cue inspirational music as the grand dame sails out to sea.  I love that Our Hero has read Art of War five times and yet is still a total screwup.  Most screwups I know don't read Sun frickin' Tzu.

Oh no.  They didn't.  Did they really just drop their port anchor and make the ship slew around in the water like a frickin' rally car doing a J-turn?  That's just...I don't even...I can't words.

Whew.  More explosions.  Back on familiar ground.

Aw...the amputee's found his reason to live and he's going to sacrifice himself so the pretty blonde can live.  Epic brodown, alien versus man with no legs, film at eleven!   And hey, the cowardly scientist saves him at the last minute!  (I didn't mention him earlier because he just hasn't been relevant to the "plot" up till now.)

While we're at it, what's with the epic chinwigs these aliens are sporting?  That's some funky do's right there.

Requisite "It was an honor serving with you" line right before firing their final salvo and thus saving the day: check.

Hey, the Air Force decided to join the party!  They must have stopped for drive-through.  And thus the day is saved.  And of course Our Hero of the High-and-Mighty Cheekbones receives a promotion and the approval of the head honcho of the Navy.

Really, I'm a little surprised, okay, a lot surprised, that Liam Neeson attached his name to this hilariously festering pile of poo.

And that's a wrap.  I need a cigarette.

P.S.  Really.  LOOK at those cheekbones.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Review: Days of Blood and Starlight

Book Review:  Days of Blood and Starlight, by Laini Taylor

To say I read a lot of books would be an understatement.  And as much as I love to read and be transported to distant worlds and immersed in another's story, it's not often I find myself physically moved by a book.

As in elevated heart-rate and rapid breathing, until I had to put my Kindle down and physically walk away because I couldn't handle the suspense.

Laini Taylor is an incredible storyteller.  Not only does she create these amazing characters that she then makes me care deeply about, (and not just the hero/heroine, but 90% of the auxiliary characters as well) but she takes the reader on a wild ride that will leave you gasping and so sad when it's over but so enriched for the experience.

One thing I love about Ms. Taylor is she understands the importance of unique voices for each character.  Karou, the heroine, has a distinct voice and thought pattern.  Her best friend Zuzanna is her polar opposite in many ways, and as the reader you're never in doubt of whose head you're in at any given moment.

This story was beautiful and ugly, heart-breaking and hilarious in turn.  I stayed up until four AM to finish it because I couldn't go to bed until I knew how it ended.  And then of course it was over and I was plunged into despair because there's a wait of who knows how long for the third book.  But I don't care because the ride was worth it.

*****  Five stars, no contest.

Available at Amazon and your local bookstore

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Review: The Raven Boys

I bought this book when it was first released and started reading it immediately.  But then I stopped.  Why?  It's going to sound crazy, but I'll tell you anyway.

When I read a book with an amazing plot, wonderful characters, and just sheer beauty embodied on the pages, I will often stop halfway through reading it the first time.  Because that way the story isn't over, it can't end, and I won't have to stop living in this gorgeous world that someone else created.

That's how it was with The Raven Boys.

Blue is a mostly ordinary girl living in a house full of psychics.  She's been told all her life that when she kisses her true love, he will be dead within a year.  Blue has no psychic abilities of her own, but she somehow augments abilities in others, so she's usually present for readings that her mother and aunts give.

Gansey is a boy obsessed with finding Glendower, the lost king of Wales.  He's smart, rich, and charming and Blue is predisposed to dislike him on general principles.

Somehow, the two of them and Gansey's friends, Ronan, Noah, and Adam, come together to search for Glendower.

Maggie Stiefvater's writing style is, if anything, improving with each book.  I liked the Mercy Falls series.  I really liked The Scorpio Races.  And I loved The Raven Boys.  Ms. Stiefvater has an elegant, spare way of turning a phrase that I both covet and admire.  Her writing is smooth and economical, and the story flows smoothly.

I loved the characters and their development.  Adam, as proud as he is poor.  Noah, the forlorn fifth wheel.  Ronan, with his aggressive tattoos and barely contained temper, hiding a tragedy in his past.  Gansey, who can't help his riches or his charm, who only wants one thing; to find Glendower.  And Blue, who saw Gansey on the corpse road and knows that he is destined to die within a year.

The pacing is smooth and develops quickly without feeling rushed.  Once I was back into the book, I couldn't read fast enough, even knowing that I'd have to leave their world at the end.

This is my first official book review on my blog, and I think it's fitting to kick it off with a 5 star one.

The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater is available at and other fine booksellers.  I was not provided with a free copy for the purpose of this review.


Saturday, November 10, 2012

In which I thank the bullies

There is a repulsive website whose sole purpose for existence is to "protect" those poor authors who can't handle a bad/sarcastic/meanypants review of their book, whether on GoodReads or Amazon.  (I will not link to their site - the last thing I want is more traffic to them.  If you must find them, feel free to Google 'em.)

They claim to want to "stop the GoodReads bullies", and then turn around and break so many of their own rules that I wonder why their heads haven't exploded from their inconsistencies.

For example, here's their list of what compromises a bully:

And yet, completely ignoring their own lovely list, they have harassed many reviewers, humiliating and insulting them, gossiping, calling them names, and teaming up on anyone who seems to be getting too big for their britches.

When I first discovered the site and began reading up on their "activities", I was pretty much like this throughout:

Well, except for being black and having facial hair.  Otherwise we could be twins.

But in the art of war, one must know one's enemies.  Sun Tzu probably said that; he was pretty badass.

So I read more of their site.  I found a wonderful, farcical "review" that Kat Kennedy did tongue in cheek and the STGRB posted on their website as being 100% straight up and not a farce at all.

Poor Kat.  Although with "enemies" like these, I'm sure she's not losing much sleep over them.

But to get to my point, they have links along one side of their homepage with names of authors/bloggers/reviewers to avoid.  They don't include the actual links, so I had to do some homework, but thanks to STGRB, I now have at least seven new blogs that I follow and greatly enjoy.

A sampling of them:

Stop the STGRB! Fun place for all your popcorn and drama needs.

Sweaters for Days and Moves Like Jagger. One of my favorites.

Cuddlebuggery  Another favorite.  This one has GREAT reviews, great reviewers, and a fun online community.

The Romantic Goldfish  One that STGRB considers "scary/run/fast".  I admit I just found her, but I'm having a great time reading the archives.

Dear Author  This one has a lot of reviews, because it's a collective of people writing.  Reviews are honest and never bullying, and they're always fresh and interesting.

The Bawdy Book Blog  Ooh, here's one I like!  Keep an eye on them, because I'm hoping to have some of my stuff posted there for one of their Indie Spotlights.

So THANKS, STGRB!!  I know you didn't mean to, but you guys have found me a bunch of GREAT new blogs to enjoy and meet new people on.

(Plus, any excuse to put the Hiddles on my blog.  Because YUM.)

Drama Llamas

It's something that not everyone wants to admit, but almost everyone enjoys a good bit of drama now and then.  Who doesn't like having their boring 9-5 day spiced up with a little mudslinging, as long as none of the mud lands on them?

I'm no different.  I can admit that.  I enjoy a good meltdown, although I almost never partake in them.

Come on, they're fun, right?  Tempers flare, rash words get said that really shouldn't have been said and make the onlookers go all:

It's true.  We all do it.  Until we're in the middle of it.  It's been a long time since I was at the heart of a controversy, and never since becoming an author and putting my work out for others to read and possibly revile.

But drama is the one thing you're never going to be able to completely avoid if you plan on having a public profile.  The question is how are you going to handle yourself when the shitstorm is suddenly revolving around you.

See that "hole" in the middle there?  That's the eye of the storm, the calm center.  All around it, chaos is raging, but right there?  Right there things are serene, peaceful in the midst of the turmoil.

That's my lesson of the day, if you're interested.  After having seen so many shitstorms exploding all over GoodReads and Amazon's forums, after witnessing author meltdowns ranging from spectacular to nuclear to just kinda sad, I just want to urge you to be more like the eye of the storm.

I know it's harder when you're in the middle of it.  People are saying things.  Mean things.  They're attacking you and your precious creation, the one you sweated bullets to bring into being.  And it hurts.

We do, though.  And the absolute only thing to do when controversy starts getting going is to stay above it.  Oh, and maybe, just maybe, don't start it yourself.  

Obey the purple striped lady with the freakishly huge hand and don't start shit.  Seriously, people, don't complain that you're not getting enough good reviews on your books, don't call them names, don't rant about how ungrateful they are.

Stay humble.  Stay professional.  Appreciate your readers.  And leave the drama llamas out in the pasture, okay?

Because seriously, that one there looks like she will cut a bitch.