The Walking Dead

Oh Daryl, how do I love thee? Never ever change, you unwashed, stringy haired, magnificent bastard. You're allowed to take a bath occasionally though.

Movie watch-along: Battleship

I don't usually do movie reviews, but this one was just too much fun to resist.  HBO aired Battleship on its website, so of course I had to watch it.  Warning: here be spoilers.

Taylor Kitsch (whose name I've always found wonderfully appropriate to his acting) plays a chronic screwup whose older brother finally basically forces him to join the Navy.  Because of course at twenty-six years old, you're still obligated to do everything that your older siblings say.  But hey, leaving that aside, we're brought to present day, where screwup kid is now a...Weapons Master?  On some ship or other.  But he's still a screwup, still playing at being an adult, and of course he's in love with the Lieutenant Commander's daughter.  Because why wouldn't he be.

There's the usual shots of beautiful Hawaii.  The whole world's navies have gathered for something called RIMPAC exercises, like war games.  I keep wanting to call them RIMSHOT exercises.

Out in the water, our Hero (named...Hopper, for some reason) has been informed that due to his hijinks, once the rimshot exercises are over, he's going to be kicked out of the Navy.  So of course we know that whatever's going to happen will happen before he gets home, because God forbid he lose his job for being a perpetual loser who refuses to straighten out.

There are several scenes of big brother reaming idiot brother out for being such a loser.  This pretty much guarantees that big brother is going to bite it, thus giving Our Hero the motivation to kick alien ass.  Also, the "bite it" reference made me laugh because I just realized that big brother is Alex Skarsgaard, aka Erik on True Blood.

Oh hey, alien attack!  Lots of flaming debris and people screaming and dying!  These giant alien warships are now...hovering...on top of the waves.  Because reasons.  And now it's hopping across the water.  Because that's much more efficient than, I dunno...sailing?  This feels more like "hey, we've got CGI and we know how to use it".

And there goes his brother.  Complete with soulful look across the waves at Our Hero right before the ship goes blooey.

The one interesting thing so far is that the aliens are taking out technology and not humans unless directly attacked by said humans.  So is this going to be a morality tale on how technology is Bad and we should all return to Nature?

Requisite "They killed my brother!" line, complete with extra pathos: check.

Next plot point achieved - gorgeous blond girlfriend is hiking in the mountains with a double amputee (she's a physical therapist, try and keep up).  Lots of explosions.  "Hey, let's go get a look at the aliens!" AS YOU WOULD.

Sidenote: Rihanna can't act.  At all.

Giant razorballs!  Bounding through Honolulu and taking out bridges, overpasses, and the occasional Marine helicopter!  But of course it stops right before it kills a kid in the middle of a Little League game.  On another sidenote, how come kids never die in these type of films?  If you really want us to hate the aliens, have 'em smoke a coupla kids!  Do I have to do your jobs for you??

There's some hushed and intense talk between Our Hero and a Japanese commander, something about buoys and how they can use them to target and fight the enemy.  I didn't really follow it because there were no explosions accompanying, so I nodded off for a few minutes.

Cut to several jeeps having been blown up.  Add in a shot of a few wild horses peacefully munching the plant life twenty feet away.  Because in my nearly twenty years of owning horses, my experience is definitely that horses are completely unfazed by loud explosions and huge fires.  (Dammit, we are in desperate need of a sarcasm font.)  Note to film-makers: Horses are prey animals.  This means that when things go splodey, they're gonna run faster than cheese through a H'san.  FACT.

Oh hey, the aliens are susceptible to bright sunlight!  So let's SHOOT OUT THEIR WINDOWS and call it a day.  Nice job, second alien ship shot to pieces due to a little good ol' American ingenuity.  Although the Japanese guy did most of it.

More razorballs, this time shredding the ship.  Of course Our Intrepid Hero of the High Cheekbones survives by jumping off a fifty foot height into the water.

Girlfriend and amputee on the mountain see his ship go down.  More pathos.  And some scenes of the survivors in the water, dramatic speech by the Cheekbones.

Oh look, we're going the whole "newfangled technology is Bad, the old ways were better" route.  Let's use the seventy year old battleship and a bunch of old men to fight the big bad aliens.  Shit, Cheekbones is talking again.  Shut up and look pretty, would you?

(By the way, the whole "Old technology is better than new" was done WAY better by Battlestar Galactica, if you want to see it done right.  Thank me later.)

Cue inspirational music as the grand dame sails out to sea.  I love that Our Hero has read Art of War five times and yet is still a total screwup.  Most screwups I know don't read Sun frickin' Tzu.

Oh no.  They didn't.  Did they really just drop their port anchor and make the ship slew around in the water like a frickin' rally car doing a J-turn?  That's just...I don't even...I can't words.

Whew.  More explosions.  Back on familiar ground.

Aw...the amputee's found his reason to live and he's going to sacrifice himself so the pretty blonde can live.  Epic brodown, alien versus man with no legs, film at eleven!   And hey, the cowardly scientist saves him at the last minute!  (I didn't mention him earlier because he just hasn't been relevant to the "plot" up till now.)

While we're at it, what's with the epic chinwigs these aliens are sporting?  That's some funky do's right there.

Requisite "It was an honor serving with you" line right before firing their final salvo and thus saving the day: check.

Hey, the Air Force decided to join the party!  They must have stopped for drive-through.  And thus the day is saved.  And of course Our Hero of the High-and-Mighty Cheekbones receives a promotion and the approval of the head honcho of the Navy.

Really, I'm a little surprised, okay, a lot surprised, that Liam Neeson attached his name to this hilariously festering pile of poo.

And that's a wrap.  I need a cigarette.

P.S.  Really.  LOOK at those cheekbones.

Review: Days of Blood and Starlight

Book Review:  Days of Blood and Starlight, by Laini Taylor

To say I read a lot of books would be an understatement.  And as much as I love to read and be transported to distant worlds and immersed in another's story, it's not often I find myself physically moved by a book.

As in elevated heart-rate and rapid breathing, until I had to put my Kindle down and physically walk away because I couldn't handle the suspense.

Laini Taylor is an incredible storyteller.  Not only does she create these amazing characters that she then makes me care deeply about, (and not just the hero/heroine, but 90% of the auxiliary characters as well) but she takes the reader on a wild ride that will leave you gasping and so sad when it's over but so enriched for the experience.

One thing I love about Ms. Taylor is she understands the importance of unique voices for each character.  Karou, the heroine, has a distinct voice and thought pattern.  Her best friend Zuzanna is her polar opposite in many ways, and as the reader you're never in doubt of whose head you're in at any given moment.

This story was beautiful and ugly, heart-breaking and hilarious in turn.  I stayed up until four AM to finish it because I couldn't go to bed until I knew how it ended.  And then of course it was over and I was plunged into despair because there's a wait of who knows how long for the third book.  But I don't care because the ride was worth it.

*****  Five stars, no contest.

Available at Amazon and your local bookstore

Review: The Raven Boys

I bought this book when it was first released and started reading it immediately.  But then I stopped.  Why?  It's going to sound crazy, but I'll tell you anyway.

When I read a book with an amazing plot, wonderful characters, and just sheer beauty embodied on the pages, I will often stop halfway through reading it the first time.  Because that way the story isn't over, it can't end, and I won't have to stop living in this gorgeous world that someone else created.

That's how it was with The Raven Boys.

Blue is a mostly ordinary girl living in a house full of psychics.  She's been told all her life that when she kisses her true love, he will be dead within a year.  Blue has no psychic abilities of her own, but she somehow augments abilities in others, so she's usually present for readings that her mother and aunts give.

Gansey is a boy obsessed with finding Glendower, the lost king of Wales.  He's smart, rich, and charming and Blue is predisposed to dislike him on general principles.

Somehow, the two of them and Gansey's friends, Ronan, Noah, and Adam, come together to search for Glendower.

Maggie Stiefvater's writing style is, if anything, improving with each book.  I liked the Mercy Falls series.  I really liked The Scorpio Races.  And I loved The Raven Boys.  Ms. Stiefvater has an elegant, spare way of turning a phrase that I both covet and admire.  Her writing is smooth and economical, and the story flows smoothly.

I loved the characters and their development.  Adam, as proud as he is poor.  Noah, the forlorn fifth wheel.  Ronan, with his aggressive tattoos and barely contained temper, hiding a tragedy in his past.  Gansey, who can't help his riches or his charm, who only wants one thing; to find Glendower.  And Blue, who saw Gansey on the corpse road and knows that he is destined to die within a year.

The pacing is smooth and develops quickly without feeling rushed.  Once I was back into the book, I couldn't read fast enough, even knowing that I'd have to leave their world at the end.

This is my first official book review on my blog, and I think it's fitting to kick it off with a 5 star one.

The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater is available at Amazon.com and other fine booksellers.  I was not provided with a free copy for the purpose of this review.

*****

In which I thank the bullies

There is a repulsive website whose sole purpose for existence is to "protect" those poor authors who can't handle a bad/sarcastic/meanypants review of their book, whether on GoodReads or Amazon.  (I will not link to their site - the last thing I want is more traffic to them.  If you must find them, feel free to Google 'em.)

They claim to want to "stop the GoodReads bullies", and then turn around and break so many of their own rules that I wonder why their heads haven't exploded from their inconsistencies.

For example, here's their list of what compromises a bully:

And yet, completely ignoring their own lovely list, they have harassed many reviewers, humiliating and insulting them, gossiping, calling them names, and teaming up on anyone who seems to be getting too big for their britches.

When I first discovered the site and began reading up on their "activities", I was pretty much like this throughout:

Well, except for being black and having facial hair.  Otherwise we could be twins.

But in the art of war, one must know one's enemies.  Sun Tzu probably said that; he was pretty badass.

So I read more of their site.  I found a wonderful, farcical "review" that Kat Kennedy did tongue in cheek and the STGRB posted on their website as being 100% straight up and not a farce at all.

Poor Kat.  Although with "enemies" like these, I'm sure she's not losing much sleep over them.

But to get to my point, they have links along one side of their homepage with names of authors/bloggers/reviewers to avoid.  They don't include the actual links, so I had to do some homework, but thanks to STGRB, I now have at least seven new blogs that I follow and greatly enjoy.

A sampling of them:

Stop the STGRB! Fun place for all your popcorn and drama needs.

Sweaters for Days and Moves Like Jagger. One of my favorites.

Cuddlebuggery  Another favorite.  This one has GREAT reviews, great reviewers, and a fun online community.

The Romantic Goldfish  One that STGRB considers "scary/run/fast".  I admit I just found her, but I'm having a great time reading the archives.

Dear Author  This one has a lot of reviews, because it's a collective of people writing.  Reviews are honest and never bullying, and they're always fresh and interesting.

The Bawdy Book Blog  Ooh, here's one I like!  Keep an eye on them, because I'm hoping to have some of my stuff posted there for one of their Indie Spotlights.

So THANKS, STGRB!!  I know you didn't mean to, but you guys have found me a bunch of GREAT new blogs to enjoy and meet new people on.

(Plus, any excuse to put the Hiddles on my blog.  Because YUM.)

Drama Llamas

It's something that not everyone wants to admit, but almost everyone enjoys a good bit of drama now and then.  Who doesn't like having their boring 9-5 day spiced up with a little mudslinging, as long as none of the mud lands on them?

I'm no different.  I can admit that.  I enjoy a good meltdown, although I almost never partake in them.

Come on, they're fun, right?  Tempers flare, rash words get said that really shouldn't have been said and make the onlookers go all:

It's true.  We all do it.  Until we're in the middle of it.  It's been a long time since I was at the heart of a controversy, and never since becoming an author and putting my work out for others to read and possibly revile.

But drama is the one thing you're never going to be able to completely avoid if you plan on having a public profile.  The question is how are you going to handle yourself when the shitstorm is suddenly revolving around you.

See that "hole" in the middle there?  That's the eye of the storm, the calm center.  All around it, chaos is raging, but right there?  Right there things are serene, peaceful in the midst of the turmoil.

That's my lesson of the day, if you're interested.  After having seen so many shitstorms exploding all over GoodReads and Amazon's forums, after witnessing author meltdowns ranging from spectacular to nuclear to just kinda sad, I just want to urge you to be more like the eye of the storm.

I know it's harder when you're in the middle of it.  People are saying things.  Mean things.  They're attacking you and your precious creation, the one you sweated bullets to bring into being.  And it hurts.

We do, though.  And the absolute only thing to do when controversy starts getting going is to stay above it.  Oh, and maybe, just maybe, don't start it yourself.  

Obey the purple striped lady with the freakishly huge hand and don't start shit.  Seriously, people, don't complain that you're not getting enough good reviews on your books, don't call them names, don't rant about how ungrateful they are.

Stay humble.  Stay professional.  Appreciate your readers.  And leave the drama llamas out in the pasture, okay?

Because seriously, that one there looks like she will cut a bitch.

Do you want a blogger to read your book?  If you're a self-published/indie author, then you probably do.  Even if you have a publishing house behind you, more exposure is not a bad thing (if you go about it the right way.)

This is a good list for authors to follow.  http://cuddlebuggery.com/2012/10/five-tips-for-seducing-book-bloggers/