Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters - a Watch Along

What happens when two friends are avoiding what they should be doing in favor of bad movies?  They end up watching Hansel and Gretel together.  This is a true story.  Only the names have been changed to protect the...guilty.

Michaela: Dude, MTV made this movie? Mystery solved.

Fuquerie: LOL Gary Sanchez has some issues, I think

Michaela: Could these kids LOOK any derpier?

Fuquerie: I like their fancy little beds in this crappy cabin.

Michaela: Yeah, with the tapestries hanging as wall dividers. And these are poor people?

(Kids are dumped in the forest by presumably their father.)

“Welp, sitting in one spot has gotten old. Let’s go exploring against the express commands of that weird dude who left us here!”

Fuquerie: Who the hell grabs a chunk off a house and decides to eat it?

Michaela: And it OOZED! EW! Mm…oozy house. My favorite! Okay, so wait. She…sticks the kid in the cage where she can’t reach him and then tries to force him to eat?

“MORE WOOD.” Man, if I had a nickel.

Fuquerie: If the witch really wanted them to get fat, she’d be
giving them lots of fats too. (Witch dies horribly) I don’t remember the fairy tale being this stabby.

Michaela: Yeah, and how does she expect them to get fat in the next five minutes? Doesn’t it usually take a tad longer than that?

OMG this is AWESOME.

(Opening credits)

Oh Hawkeye. How the mighty have fallen.

Fuquerie: What the hell? They didn’t have newspapers back in ye olde fairy tale forests.

Michaela: And what happened to their parents, anyway??

Fuquerie: I bet it has something to do with witches.

Michaela: Produced by Will Ferrell. THERE YA GO, FOLKS.

Fuquerie: Ye olde milk carton missing children notices

(Scene of a girl being accused of witchcraft)

Michaela: Of course she’s a witch, she’s a ginger!

Fuquerie: Man, gingers get all the worst luck.

Michaela: I’m not sure how she’s expected to float or sink in a BARREL.

Whoa, Gemma Arterton got badass!

Fuquerie: I wonder what the German word for hillbillies is?

Michaela: Also, I don’t care how hot Renner is, he’s not digging his fingers around my mouth.

Fuquerie: Especially without washing them first.

Michaela: I will admit that his coat is pretty rockin’.

(Gemma Arterton headbutts the douchey sheriff.)

Fuquerie: Okay, I love Gretel now.

Michaela: I’ve always wanted to headbutt Peter Stormare.

(Apprehending a witch)

Dude, shoot FIRST, Gretel. Do they not teach you anything in witch-hunting school? … Apparently parkour skills are required for running through the forest. Who knew?

Fuquerie: I hope she doesn’t turn into a damsel in distress.

(Hansel injects himself with something)

Michaela: Wait, Hansel’s a junkie?

Fuquerie: Her boobs change size when her face isn’t in the shot. Stunt boobs?

Michaela: Nice catch! I missed that.

Fuquerie: By the way, the German word for hillybilly is Hinterwäldler

Michaela: They (the bounty hunters) clearly all go to the same Ye Old Hairdressere.

Hinterwaldler, huh? Well, I’ve got the name for my next villain!

Fuquerie: Ye Olde Supercuts specializes in grease and dirt

Michaela: Hey look, it’s Mama Vamp! (Famke Janssen)

Fuquerie: Let me guess, she’s a witch.

Michaela: NO!

Fuquerie: I don’t know what tipped me off.

Michaela: Typecasting, anyone?

Fuquerie: Wait, if witches can make themselves look normal, then how do we know the ginger ISN’T a witch?

(Cut to Hansel and Gretel in a bar, being approached by a young lad)

Ye Olde Fanboyes

Michaela: ROFL Can’t…breathe…

Fuquerie: I bet there’s a Hansel and Gretel convention too. Little unwashed nerds show up and sketch the panels.

I’d pay to see a cross over with this and Wizard of Oz, just to watch them confront Glinda.

Michaela: Tip #1 for witches: MOISTURIZE, MORONS.

Fuquerie: Dear god, yes. Even zombies are skeeved out

Michaela: Why is Hansel sleeping on the floor? UNDER the bed?

Fuquerie: Because he’s not creepy enough, apparently. Sorry, I mean mysterious and damaged.

Michaela: And now it’s booty call tyme.

Fuquerie: I’m going to say the ginger lady actually is a witch. She’s far too clean and colorful.

Michaela: Yeah, and she looked too wounded at the “Good witch/dead witch” comment.

(Hansel injects himself with something again.)

Fuquerie: HA! He’s diabetic

Michaela: DIABETES? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

(As they lay a trap in the forest)

Fuquerie: That’s a really dumb witch.

Michaela: But…athletic, apparently.

Fuquerie: What good is a magic stick if you just get clotheslined?

Michaela: I need her stylist.

(Hansel is dragged behind the broomstick)

Oh, like the boulder to the head wouldn’t have killed him instantly. And…pose to look awesome…

Fuquerie: A taser? A TASER!?

Michaela: A…TASER. Your argument is invalid.

Fuquerie: So I guess short haired witch just couldn’t get her stick up

Michaela: It happens. Ye Olde Viagra hasn’t come along yet.

Fuquerie: If it wasn’t for the skin rot, being a witch looks pretty awesome. Flying, throwing fireballs, laser wands…

Michaela: Braining kids with their own guns…

Fuquerie: I don’t understand why the sheriff is preventing them from saving a girl when others have already been abducted.

Michaela: Sheriff is basically a dick. There to BE a dick.

Fuquerie: How stupid is that kid? Just remove the damn bone from the lock!

(Hansel brains a witch with a milk bottle)

Michaela: Milk does a body good!

Fuquerie: Another benefit of being a witch: instant kung fu abilities

Michaela: Oh come on, my SIX YEAR OLD could reload faster than that.

Fuquerie: Yet another benefit: Awesome outfits

(Gretel wakes up in bed)

Michaela: Uh oh, creepy fanboye is copping a feel. BREAK HIS FINGERS.

“Covered in filth.” Riiiight.

Fuquerie: At least fanboye has a great story to tell at the convention

Michaela: “I…actually…got to TOUCH ONE OF HER BOOBS! It was EPIC, MAN!”

(Redhead finds Hansel upside down hanging from a tree branch)

Fuquerie: Do I look all right, woman?

Michaela: He’s hanging upside down in a tree, does he LOOK ALL RIGHT??

Fuquerie: So if he has to inject himself every few hours, how is he still alive?

Michaela: BECAUSE REASONS, WOMAN. DON’T ASK QUESTIONS.

(Gretel wandering through the forest calling for Hansel)

Hansel’s busy, Gretel. No cockblocking.

(Redhead takes Hansel to a waterfall/pool)

Fuquerie: She’s cleaning him. WITCH!

Michaela: YES. GET NAKED.

Fuquerie: Soap is of the devil!

Michaela: Holy crap, nice ass! “Healing waters”. ~snicker~

Fuquerie: Yeah, “healing waters.” Nice pick up line, there. What it’s healing is the blueness from his balls

(Cut to a troll)

Michaela: Ew…troll eating raw pig. There goes my lady boner.

(Gretel is beset by thugs)

Fuquerie: What the hell? She can take on witches, but not three random guys?

Michaela: So…Hansel’s gettin’ him some while Gretel gets her ass kicked. That works. DID SHE JUST BITE HIS NOSE OFF?

Oh good, it’s still there.

Troll disapproves of violence against women.

Fuquerie: Oooo, I think the troll has a little crush

Michaela: Maybe Gretel will be gettin’ her some after all!

Ew, I just grossed myself out.

Fuquerie: Dayum, that was some head crunching goopiness

Michaela: This movie is the best cure for the blues EVAR.

Fuquerie: Ewwww, white cave goop

Michaela: Nobody understands poor troll. D’aww….

DRINK OR I’LL DROWN YOU, BITCH.

“So. Come here often?”

Fuquerie: …Edward. Edward? EDWARD?

Michaela: EDWARD. The troll’s name is EDWARD. OMFG.

Fuquerie: If it was Larry, I would have died

Michaela: I am CRYING.

(Hansel and Gretel find each other)

Fuquerie: Good lord, talk about overreacting.

Michaela: Apparently you can’t hunt witches without fingerless gloves.

Fuquerie: It makes sense if you’re an archer. Not so much with a shotgun.

(Hansel gripes that Gretel landed on him)

Michaela: Oh please, she weighs what, a buck ten? I’ve seen hay bales that weighed more than her. Quitcher bitchin’, Hansel.

Fuquerie: So I’m guessing they’re really witches from a family of witches and it turns out that good witches exist and they just never knew.

Michaela: Ooh, if you’re right, that would explain her dreams and why their magic doesn’t work on ‘em.

Fuquerie: And why Edward said he served witches.

Michaela: Yup, you called it. Nice one!

Oh Renner, feel free to stare broodingly at the camera as long as you like.

Plot? What?

(Flashback to when they were dumped)

Michaela: Dude, why not hide them in the witch’s lair under the floorboards? Instead of abandoning them, defenseless, in the forest?

(Roasting witch, roaring bonfire) 

MARSHMALLOW TIME!

Fuquerie: Because that would make sense?

Brood brood brood brood

Michaela: Mm…I forgot what I was saying. Can we go back to Renner being nekkid?

Fuquerie: The greatest sabbath of all! Ozzy?

(Hansel gets stabbed)

Michaela: Nooooo not the Renner! Oh yay, booty call chick is back! Calling it - she fixed the diabeetus too.

(Cut to them readying for battle) FANBOYES FOR LYFE.

Fuquerie: Oh come on…now he has a time machine

Michaela: “Don’t touch the gun.” ~snicker~

Fuquerie: If they don’t have a time machine, where did the machine gun come from?

Michaela: EDWARD MY TRUE LOVE!

On my list of things I never want to see: Troll boners.

Fuquerie: I kind of like the short haired witch’s look. Even if she is a bit derpy

Michaela: I’m telling you, I want her stylist.

BAHAHAHA THAT GUN

Was that seriously an expandable shotgun?

Fuquerie: Sigh…

Some of those witches have gout, I see

Michaela: And NONE of ‘em moisturize. Dayum.

Fuquerie: This is my boomstick!

Michaela: There are many like it but THIS ONE IS MINE!

Derpy witch is about to bite it.

Aw, Edward to the rescue!

If he starts sparkling I’m calling such bullshit.

Toldja Derpy was gonna bite it.

(Scene of witches joined at the shoulder blades)

What is this, Chernobyl witches?

Man, Gretel and her head-butting.

OH COME ON.

Fuquerie: A double crossbow? Really?

Michaela: Hollywood: WE SCOFF AT THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.

Fuquerie: Damn, I kind of liked surfing witch.

Michaela: DAFUQ DID I JUST SEE?

Fuquerie: What the fuck was that magic bullet?

Michaela: Glad to see we’re on the same page there.

(Gretel discovers the troll, dying)

Noooo Edward don’t leave me!

Fuquerie: What?

Michaela: CLEAR!!

(Gretel revives the troll with the taser)

Fuquerie: Wat?

Michaela: CRYING.

Fuquerie: I’m so looking up the IMDB trivia now. “In an interview with Famke Janssen at Cannes 2011, she stated that she took her role as the head witch because she had to pay off her mortgage. ”

Michaela: Dude, if I was a troll and some chick tasered me back to life, I’d rip her head off.

NO WAY. Seriously?

HANSEL JUST SHOT FANBOYE!

Fuquerie: Poor fanboye! He never even got to touch nipple!

Michaela: Oh Famke. Did it hurt to say such terrible lines?

Fuquerie: “In the movie, Hansel is diabetic as a result of his experience in the gingerbread house as a child. In the original script, Gretel was also supposed to have an eating disorder as a result of her childhood trauma, but it was cut from the final version. ”

Michaela: Aw, buh-bye booty call ginger. Now Renner will get to brood some more. YAY!

Oh come on, an eating disorder would have made this movie so much more awesome!!

That’s it, Renner, BROOD FOR ME.

Fuquerie: Few people know that witches are the number one cause of childhood diabetes.

Michaela: Educational (1).

Fuquerie: If she took this to pay off her mortgage, how does she explain Hemlock Grove?

Michaela: She’s addicted to cheese. Only explanation.

Fuquerie: Was fanboye wearing ye olde kevlar?

Michaela: He looked like he was going to ralph all over Gretel.

“You know the truth” - that this is a horrible movie?

Oh come on, fanboye gets to join the club??

Fuquerie: Ack! Don’t point the shotgun at fanboy!

Oh come on, machine gun pistols?

Michaela: Because why the hell not at this point.

Fuquerie: They leave out the eating disorder, but not the magic bullet with no explanation. Because of course

Michaela: The eating disorder would have made it so much better! And I notice the diabeetus never even came up again. Came up. ~snicker~

Sorry. ~hanging head in shame~

(Credits roll) 

The Walking Dead

Oh Daryl, how do I love thee? Never ever change, you unwashed, stringy haired, magnificent bastard. You're allowed to take a bath occasionally though.

Movie watch-along: Battleship

I don't usually do movie reviews, but this one was just too much fun to resist.  HBO aired Battleship on its website, so of course I had to watch it.  Warning: here be spoilers.

Taylor Kitsch (whose name I've always found wonderfully appropriate to his acting) plays a chronic screwup whose older brother finally basically forces him to join the Navy.  Because of course at twenty-six years old, you're still obligated to do everything that your older siblings say.  But hey, leaving that aside, we're brought to present day, where screwup kid is now a...Weapons Master?  On some ship or other.  But he's still a screwup, still playing at being an adult, and of course he's in love with the Lieutenant Commander's daughter.  Because why wouldn't he be.

There's the usual shots of beautiful Hawaii.  The whole world's navies have gathered for something called RIMPAC exercises, like war games.  I keep wanting to call them RIMSHOT exercises.

Out in the water, our Hero (named...Hopper, for some reason) has been informed that due to his hijinks, once the rimshot exercises are over, he's going to be kicked out of the Navy.  So of course we know that whatever's going to happen will happen before he gets home, because God forbid he lose his job for being a perpetual loser who refuses to straighten out.

There are several scenes of big brother reaming idiot brother out for being such a loser.  This pretty much guarantees that big brother is going to bite it, thus giving Our Hero the motivation to kick alien ass.  Also, the "bite it" reference made me laugh because I just realized that big brother is Alex Skarsgaard, aka Erik on True Blood.

Oh hey, alien attack!  Lots of flaming debris and people screaming and dying!  These giant alien warships are now...hovering...on top of the waves.  Because reasons.  And now it's hopping across the water.  Because that's much more efficient than, I dunno...sailing?  This feels more like "hey, we've got CGI and we know how to use it".

And there goes his brother.  Complete with soulful look across the waves at Our Hero right before the ship goes blooey.

The one interesting thing so far is that the aliens are taking out technology and not humans unless directly attacked by said humans.  So is this going to be a morality tale on how technology is Bad and we should all return to Nature?

Requisite "They killed my brother!" line, complete with extra pathos: check.

Next plot point achieved - gorgeous blond girlfriend is hiking in the mountains with a double amputee (she's a physical therapist, try and keep up).  Lots of explosions.  "Hey, let's go get a look at the aliens!" AS YOU WOULD.

Sidenote: Rihanna can't act.  At all.

Giant razorballs!  Bounding through Honolulu and taking out bridges, overpasses, and the occasional Marine helicopter!  But of course it stops right before it kills a kid in the middle of a Little League game.  On another sidenote, how come kids never die in these type of films?  If you really want us to hate the aliens, have 'em smoke a coupla kids!  Do I have to do your jobs for you??

There's some hushed and intense talk between Our Hero and a Japanese commander, something about buoys and how they can use them to target and fight the enemy.  I didn't really follow it because there were no explosions accompanying, so I nodded off for a few minutes.

Cut to several jeeps having been blown up.  Add in a shot of a few wild horses peacefully munching the plant life twenty feet away.  Because in my nearly twenty years of owning horses, my experience is definitely that horses are completely unfazed by loud explosions and huge fires.  (Dammit, we are in desperate need of a sarcasm font.)  Note to film-makers: Horses are prey animals.  This means that when things go splodey, they're gonna run faster than cheese through a H'san.  FACT.

Oh hey, the aliens are susceptible to bright sunlight!  So let's SHOOT OUT THEIR WINDOWS and call it a day.  Nice job, second alien ship shot to pieces due to a little good ol' American ingenuity.  Although the Japanese guy did most of it.

More razorballs, this time shredding the ship.  Of course Our Intrepid Hero of the High Cheekbones survives by jumping off a fifty foot height into the water.

Girlfriend and amputee on the mountain see his ship go down.  More pathos.  And some scenes of the survivors in the water, dramatic speech by the Cheekbones.

Oh look, we're going the whole "newfangled technology is Bad, the old ways were better" route.  Let's use the seventy year old battleship and a bunch of old men to fight the big bad aliens.  Shit, Cheekbones is talking again.  Shut up and look pretty, would you?

(By the way, the whole "Old technology is better than new" was done WAY better by Battlestar Galactica, if you want to see it done right.  Thank me later.)

Cue inspirational music as the grand dame sails out to sea.  I love that Our Hero has read Art of War five times and yet is still a total screwup.  Most screwups I know don't read Sun frickin' Tzu.

Oh no.  They didn't.  Did they really just drop their port anchor and make the ship slew around in the water like a frickin' rally car doing a J-turn?  That's just...I don't even...I can't words.

Whew.  More explosions.  Back on familiar ground.

Aw...the amputee's found his reason to live and he's going to sacrifice himself so the pretty blonde can live.  Epic brodown, alien versus man with no legs, film at eleven!   And hey, the cowardly scientist saves him at the last minute!  (I didn't mention him earlier because he just hasn't been relevant to the "plot" up till now.)

While we're at it, what's with the epic chinwigs these aliens are sporting?  That's some funky do's right there.

Requisite "It was an honor serving with you" line right before firing their final salvo and thus saving the day: check.

Hey, the Air Force decided to join the party!  They must have stopped for drive-through.  And thus the day is saved.  And of course Our Hero of the High-and-Mighty Cheekbones receives a promotion and the approval of the head honcho of the Navy.

Really, I'm a little surprised, okay, a lot surprised, that Liam Neeson attached his name to this hilariously festering pile of poo.

And that's a wrap.  I need a cigarette.

P.S.  Really.  LOOK at those cheekbones.