Monday, June 24, 2013

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters - a Watch Along

What happens when two friends are avoiding what they should be doing in favor of bad movies?  They end up watching Hansel and Gretel together.  This is a true story.  Only the names have been changed to protect the...guilty.

Michaela: Dude, MTV made this movie? Mystery solved.

Fuquerie: LOL Gary Sanchez has some issues, I think
Michaela: Could these kids LOOK any derpier?
Fuquerie: I like their fancy little beds in this crappy cabin.
Michaela: Yeah, with the tapestries hanging as wall dividers. And these are poor people?
(Kids are dumped in the forest by presumably their father.)
“Welp, sitting in one spot has gotten old. Let’s go exploring against the express commands of that weird dude who left us here!”
Fuquerie: Who the hell grabs a chunk off a house and decides to eat it?
Michaela: And it OOZED! EW! Mm…oozy house. My favorite! Okay, so wait. She…sticks the kid in the cage where she can’t reach him and then tries to force him to eat?
“MORE WOOD.” Man, if I had a nickel.
Fuquerie: If the witch really wanted them to get fat, she’d be
giving them lots of fats too. (Witch dies horribly) I don’t remember the fairy tale being this stabby.
Michaela: Yeah, and how does she expect them to get fat in the next five minutes? Doesn’t it usually take a tad longer than that?
OMG this is AWESOME.
(Opening credits)
Oh Hawkeye. How the mighty have fallen.
Fuquerie: What the hell? They didn’t have newspapers back in ye olde fairy tale forests.
Michaela: And what happened to their parents, anyway??
Fuquerie: I bet it has something to do with witches.
Michaela: Produced by Will Ferrell. THERE YA GO, FOLKS.
Fuquerie: Ye olde milk carton missing children notices
(Scene of a girl being accused of witchcraft)
Michaela: Of course she’s a witch, she’s a ginger!
Fuquerie: Man, gingers get all the worst luck.
Michaela: I’m not sure how she’s expected to float or sink in a BARREL.
Whoa, Gemma Arterton got badass!
Fuquerie: I wonder what the German word for hillbillies is?
Michaela: Also, I don’t care how hot Renner is, he’s not digging his fingers around my mouth.
Fuquerie: Especially without washing them first.
Michaela: I will admit that his coat is pretty rockin’.
(Gemma Arterton headbutts the douchey sheriff.)
Fuquerie: Okay, I love Gretel now.
Michaela: I’ve always wanted to headbutt Peter Stormare.
(Apprehending a witch)
Dude, shoot FIRST, Gretel. Do they not teach you anything in witch-hunting school? … Apparently parkour skills are required for running through the forest. Who knew?
Fuquerie: I hope she doesn’t turn into a damsel in distress.
(Hansel injects himself with something)
Michaela: Wait, Hansel’s a junkie?
Fuquerie: Her boobs change size when her face isn’t in the shot. Stunt boobs?
Michaela: Nice catch! I missed that.
Fuquerie: By the way, the German word for hillybilly is Hinterwäldler
Michaela: They (the bounty hunters) clearly all go to the same Ye Old Hairdressere.
Hinterwaldler, huh? Well, I’ve got the name for my next villain!
Fuquerie: Ye Olde Supercuts specializes in grease and dirt
Michaela: Hey look, it’s Mama Vamp! (Famke Janssen)
Fuquerie: Let me guess, she’s a witch.
Michaela: NO!
Fuquerie: I don’t know what tipped me off.
Michaela: Typecasting, anyone?
Fuquerie: Wait, if witches can make themselves look normal, then how do we know the ginger ISN’T a witch?
(Cut to Hansel and Gretel in a bar, being approached by a young lad)
Ye Olde Fanboyes
Michaela: ROFL Can’t…breathe…
Fuquerie: I bet there’s a Hansel and Gretel convention too. Little unwashed nerds show up and sketch the panels.
I’d pay to see a cross over with this and Wizard of Oz, just to watch them confront Glinda.
Michaela: Tip #1 for witches: MOISTURIZE, MORONS.
Fuquerie: Dear god, yes. Even zombies are skeeved out
Michaela: Why is Hansel sleeping on the floor? UNDER the bed?
Fuquerie: Because he’s not creepy enough, apparently. Sorry, I mean mysterious and damaged.
Michaela: And now it’s booty call tyme.
Fuquerie: I’m going to say the ginger lady actually is a witch. She’s far too clean and colorful.
Michaela: Yeah, and she looked too wounded at the “Good witch/dead witch” comment.
(Hansel injects himself with something again.)
Fuquerie: HA! He’s diabetic
(As they lay a trap in the forest)
Fuquerie: That’s a really dumb witch.
Michaela: But…athletic, apparently.
Fuquerie: What good is a magic stick if you just get clotheslined?
Michaela: I need her stylist.
(Hansel is dragged behind the broomstick)
Oh, like the boulder to the head wouldn’t have killed him instantly. And…pose to look awesome…
Fuquerie: A taser? A TASER!?
Michaela: A…TASER. Your argument is invalid.
Fuquerie: So I guess short haired witch just couldn’t get her stick up
Michaela: It happens. Ye Olde Viagra hasn’t come along yet.
Fuquerie: If it wasn’t for the skin rot, being a witch looks pretty awesome. Flying, throwing fireballs, laser wands…
Michaela: Braining kids with their own guns…
Fuquerie: I don’t understand why the sheriff is preventing them from saving a girl when others have already been abducted.
Michaela: Sheriff is basically a dick. There to BE a dick.
Fuquerie: How stupid is that kid? Just remove the damn bone from the lock!
(Hansel brains a witch with a milk bottle)
Michaela: Milk does a body good!
Fuquerie: Another benefit of being a witch: instant kung fu abilities
Michaela: Oh come on, my SIX YEAR OLD could reload faster than that.
Fuquerie: Yet another benefit: Awesome outfits
(Gretel wakes up in bed)
Michaela: Uh oh, creepy fanboye is copping a feel. BREAK HIS FINGERS.

“Covered in filth.” Riiiight.
Fuquerie: At least fanboye has a great story to tell at the convention
Michaela: “I…actually…got to TOUCH ONE OF HER BOOBS! It was EPIC, MAN!”
(Redhead finds Hansel upside down hanging from a tree branch)
Fuquerie: Do I look all right, woman?
Michaela: He’s hanging upside down in a tree, does he LOOK ALL RIGHT??
Fuquerie: So if he has to inject himself every few hours, how is he still alive?
(Gretel wandering through the forest calling for Hansel)
Hansel’s busy, Gretel. No cockblocking.
(Redhead takes Hansel to a waterfall/pool)
Fuquerie: She’s cleaning him. WITCH!
Michaela: YES. GET NAKED.
Fuquerie: Soap is of the devil!
Michaela: Holy crap, nice ass! “Healing waters”. ~snicker~
Fuquerie: Yeah, “healing waters.” Nice pick up line, there. What it’s healing is the blueness from his balls
(Cut to a troll)
Michaela: Ew…troll eating raw pig. There goes my lady boner.
(Gretel is beset by thugs)
Fuquerie: What the hell? She can take on witches, but not three random guys?
Michaela: So…Hansel’s gettin’ him some while Gretel gets her ass kicked. That works. DID SHE JUST BITE HIS NOSE OFF?
Oh good, it’s still there.
Troll disapproves of violence against women.
Fuquerie: Oooo, I think the troll has a little crush
Michaela: Maybe Gretel will be gettin’ her some after all!
Ew, I just grossed myself out.
Fuquerie: Dayum, that was some head crunching goopiness
Michaela: This movie is the best cure for the blues EVAR.
Fuquerie: Ewwww, white cave goop
Michaela: Nobody understands poor troll. D’aww….
“So. Come here often?”
Fuquerie: …Edward. Edward? EDWARD?
Michaela: EDWARD. The troll’s name is EDWARD. OMFG.
Fuquerie: If it was Larry, I would have died
Michaela: I am CRYING.
(Hansel and Gretel find each other)
Fuquerie: Good lord, talk about overreacting.
Michaela: Apparently you can’t hunt witches without fingerless gloves.
Fuquerie: It makes sense if you’re an archer. Not so much with a shotgun.
(Hansel gripes that Gretel landed on him)
Michaela: Oh please, she weighs what, a buck ten? I’ve seen hay bales that weighed more than her. Quitcher bitchin’, Hansel.
Fuquerie: So I’m guessing they’re really witches from a family of witches and it turns out that good witches exist and they just never knew.
Michaela: Ooh, if you’re right, that would explain her dreams and why their magic doesn’t work on ‘em.
Fuquerie: And why Edward said he served witches.
Michaela: Yup, you called it. Nice one!
Oh Renner, feel free to stare broodingly at the camera as long as you like.
Plot? What?
(Flashback to when they were dumped)
Michaela: Dude, why not hide them in the witch’s lair under the floorboards? Instead of abandoning them, defenseless, in the forest?
(Roasting witch, roaring bonfire) 

Fuquerie: Because that would make sense?
Brood brood brood brood
Michaela: Mm…I forgot what I was saying. Can we go back to Renner being nekkid?
Fuquerie: The greatest sabbath of all! Ozzy?
(Hansel gets stabbed)
Michaela: Nooooo not the Renner! Oh yay, booty call chick is back! Calling it - she fixed the diabeetus too.
(Cut to them readying for battle) FANBOYES FOR LYFE.
Fuquerie: Oh come on…now he has a time machine
Michaela: “Don’t touch the gun.” ~snicker~
Fuquerie: If they don’t have a time machine, where did the machine gun come from?
On my list of things I never want to see: Troll boners.
Fuquerie: I kind of like the short haired witch’s look. Even if she is a bit derpy
Michaela: I’m telling you, I want her stylist.
Was that seriously an expandable shotgun?
Fuquerie: Sigh…
Some of those witches have gout, I see
Michaela: And NONE of ‘em moisturize. Dayum.
Fuquerie: This is my boomstick!
Michaela: There are many like it but THIS ONE IS MINE!
Derpy witch is about to bite it.
Aw, Edward to the rescue!
If he starts sparkling I’m calling such bullshit.
Toldja Derpy was gonna bite it.
(Scene of witches joined at the shoulder blades)
What is this, Chernobyl witches?
Man, Gretel and her head-butting.
Fuquerie: A double crossbow? Really?
Fuquerie: Damn, I kind of liked surfing witch.
Fuquerie: What the fuck was that magic bullet?
Michaela: Glad to see we’re on the same page there.
(Gretel discovers the troll, dying)
Noooo Edward don’t leave me!
Fuquerie: What?
Michaela: CLEAR!!
(Gretel revives the troll with the taser)
Fuquerie: Wat?
Michaela: CRYING.
Fuquerie: I’m so looking up the IMDB trivia now. “In an interview with Famke Janssen at Cannes 2011, she stated that she took her role as the head witch because she had to pay off her mortgage. ”
Michaela: Dude, if I was a troll and some chick tasered me back to life, I’d rip her head off.

NO WAY. Seriously?

Fuquerie: Poor fanboye! He never even got to touch nipple!
Michaela: Oh Famke. Did it hurt to say such terrible lines?
Fuquerie: “In the movie, Hansel is diabetic as a result of his experience in the gingerbread house as a child. In the original script, Gretel was also supposed to have an eating disorder as a result of her childhood trauma, but it was cut from the final version. ”
Michaela: Aw, buh-bye booty call ginger. Now Renner will get to brood some more. YAY!
Oh come on, an eating disorder would have made this movie so much more awesome!!
That’s it, Renner, BROOD FOR ME.
Fuquerie: Few people know that witches are the number one cause of childhood diabetes.
Michaela: Educational (1).
Fuquerie: If she took this to pay off her mortgage, how does she explain Hemlock Grove?
Michaela: She’s addicted to cheese. Only explanation.
Fuquerie: Was fanboye wearing ye olde kevlar?
Michaela: He looked like he was going to ralph all over Gretel.

“You know the truth” - that this is a horrible movie?
Oh come on, fanboye gets to join the club??
Fuquerie: Ack! Don’t point the shotgun at fanboy!

Oh come on, machine gun pistols?
Michaela: Because why the hell not at this point.
Fuquerie: They leave out the eating disorder, but not the magic bullet with no explanation. Because of course
Michaela: The eating disorder would have made it so much better! And I notice the diabeetus never even came up again. Came up. ~snicker~
Sorry. ~hanging head in shame~

(Credits roll) 


  1. "Few people know that witches are the number one cause of childhood diabetes."


  2. You two could actually make great dialogue for book characters. There's great chemistry between you, even though this sentence sounds wrong.

  3. I think this needs to be a regular thing.